Raccoon

I just thought I should let everyone know that the raccoon came today in the mail.

At work.

It was definitely NOT still frozen.

EGAD.

Get Your Hands Off Me, You Damned Dirty...

I was just reminiscing about a drive in theater my family and I used to go to while I was growing up. I know I saw lots of movies there because I still sing the concession song in my head and can remember the PIC commercial – PIC – It don’t work, so doooon’t you believe it – it doooon’t work. But then the bug coughs and gasps and stretches out his little bug arm and dies. Of course PIC works! That dead cartoon bug just convinced us it does!

But I am getting sidetracked. We saw dozens of movies there, but the only movies I really remember seeing at the Garden Theater was the weekend they ran the “Planet of The Apes” trilogy. Heaven…pure heaven. Charlton Heston all shirtless and action hero like and other actors dressed up like apes, all hairy and realistic looking for the time. Could there be a better way to spend a Friday night? You obviously don’t know me if you think there is any other answer but - NO. As I was reliving the ape movies I got to thinking about what if in the future some idiot ape took dinosaur DNA and remade dinosaurs (shades of Jurassic Park only with more apes) and then the dinosaurs took over the earth and astronauts from our time took off thinking they were going to land on one planet far, far away but instead their space ship malfunctioned and they went forward in time and landed back on the very same planet they left from but this time the dinosaurs had now taken over and eaten all the apes. See those apes weren’t as smart as they thought they were or they wouldn’t have messed with dinosaur DNA.

I can just hear Charlton say, “Get your hands off me you damned dirty (maybe he would say scaly) dinosaur!” BUT – what if it was a T-Rex? Could that educated T-Rex population have been smart enough to figure out a way to make longer arms for their generation so that they indeed would have hands long enough to put on Charlton Heston? Debatable.

You know what? No matter how much I like this premise, it just won’t work. I can’t think of a single dinosaur that could put anything around Charlton Heston - and get away with it. Especially if his side-kick astronaut was Chuck Norris...

Now we are talking movie history!! And the Oscar goes to……

“The heart has its reasons which reason knows not.”

Conversation last night: 

Me: I ordered a taxidermy raccoon from eBay.

My Husband (we shall call him “Boy” from now onto make things easier): Great! Where are we going to put him?

Me: In the freezer.

Boy: Why would we put him in the freezer? To scare the corn?

Me: Well, um, I accidentally ordered a live, dead raccoon that needs to be stuffed, not one that already is.

Boy: Silence

Me: I have no excuse, I didn’t read carefully enough. But I only wasted $50.

Boy: Shaking his head. I don't want to talk about this anymore.

Me: Can we give him to Arthur? Wouldn’t he eat him? He likes raccoon meat.

Boy: No we can’t give him to Arthur. Do you even know how old this thing is or how it was killed? And I told you this is so ridiculous I don't want to talk about this anymore!

Me: Silence

Boy: What if he is thawed out when we get him? Can they even send something like that through the mail??

Me: I guess…

Boy: What if the post office thinks the raccoon is a cover for drugs and raids our house after we get it and tries to tear apart all our taxidermy searching for nonexistent drugs because they think we are the fence for the frozen nontaxidermied raccoon drug cartel?? What if they have been watching this guy for years because he is a mail bomber and he sends his bombs in dead frozen animals – and now they think we are his new trainees? What if it thaws and starts to stink and they think it is a dead body part. Oh my God, what were you thinking???!!

Me. Um

Boy: UM? All you got it ‘um”? From now on eBay is dead to you – like the raccoon.

 

 

Squirrel

It is 8:15, but it feels like midnight - or - 3 days from now. I am wondering about 'happy'. My uncle drills into my head that all you need is PMA - Positive Mental Attitude. He repeats it like you can just decide you need to be happy and presto - it happens. I was wondering today though, if you were not born to a certain disposition and that is what you have for your life. You can try to outwit it, outsmart it, decide differently, and berate yourself into change but like other quirks of life, you cannot outrun it, and you begin to believe you are born that way and destined to be that way until you die. I vote with the quirks. You are stuck with it no matter what you want to believe or change. Tonight, my predisposition has taken over. I cannot wish, will, or urge what I wish I was like to take over what is really inside me. I know you know how I feel. 

Squirrel!!!!

Too Late

New favorite saying:
 
It is never too late to be what you might have been.
 

Additions:
 
It is never to late in the day - to start your day.
 
It is never too late to believe that something that isn't happening for you now won't happen for you in the future.

It is never too late - in fiction or in real life - to revise.
 
It is never too late to do something good as long as you are breathing.
 
For 'playing' - it's never to late to start and there is no right or wrong way to do it.
 
It is never too late to eat dessert.
 
It is never too late to believe what you have never believed.
 
It is never too late to stop thinking it is too late.


To quote Marvin Webster - "Y'all think about it."

To Blink or Not to Blink - That is the Question

Today’s muse is about blinkers. You know, the things on cars, trucks, scooters, vans, SUV’s, station wagons, buses, motorcycles, bicycles, RV’s, trailers (load carrying type), U-Haul’s, ATV’s, 18 Wheelers, ambulances, armored cars, cement mixer, UPS & FedEx trucks, fire engines, motor boats, airplanes, the space shuttle, hot air balloons…wait, now I am just getting ridiculous. But you get the idea. Almost EVERYTHING on the road has the ability to tell me in advance if it is turning right or left. Yet, the vast majority of individuals do not use this amazing, helpful, courteous devise anymore! Why? Is it too much trouble to raise your left arm and push a stick up or down? A motion that takes less amount of energy to perform than it takes to blink your eyes. I am baffled.

I am from a big city. I must say, blinkers were used on a regular basis, however only the person actually turning used their blinker. Everyone behind them surmised what was happening and carried on. Then I moved to a small town. Immediate culture shock. Not only did the actual person turning put their blinker on (miles before they actually had to), but so did everyone else! The person behind them – to let the next person know what was about to happen - and then the person behind that person and the person behind that person and the person behind that person and on and on and on, until it seemed everyone in the county knew someone was going to turn up ahead. I was amazed! What was happening? At first I thought they ALL were turning, but I quickly learned this quaint, charming custom and even I started to comply. Resistance is futile.

Back to the big city. Back to the one person, one blinker unspoken rule. I must admit that at first I continued to “warn” those behind me until too many passengers asked me what the hell I was doing. I quickly unlearned that quirky courtesy. But I continued to use a blinker before every turn.

I am back again in a small town. Not only does no one use the blinker to warn the one behind them anymore, NO ONE – as in maybe1 in 50 - uses their blinker at all! It mystifies me! It is now a daily game of “guess if someone putting on their brakes is going to turn” or is it they are just an idiot that doesn’t know how to drive. Too many drivers turn out to be the latter.

Me, I am sticking with the blinker method. Better safe than rear-ended.