Get Your Hands Off Me, You Damned Dirty...

I was just reminiscing about a drive in theater my family and I used to go to while I was growing up. I know I saw lots of movies there because I still sing the concession song in my head and can remember the PIC commercial – PIC – It don’t work, so doooon’t you believe it – it doooon’t work. But then the bug coughs and gasps and stretches out his little bug arm and dies. Of course PIC works! That dead cartoon bug just convinced us it does!

But I am getting sidetracked. We saw dozens of movies there, but the only movies I really remember seeing at the Garden Theater was the weekend they ran the “Planet of The Apes” trilogy. Heaven…pure heaven. Charlton Heston all shirtless and action hero like and other actors dressed up like apes, all hairy and realistic looking for the time. Could there be a better way to spend a Friday night? You obviously don’t know me if you think there is any other answer but - NO. As I was reliving the ape movies I got to thinking about what if in the future some idiot ape took dinosaur DNA and remade dinosaurs (shades of Jurassic Park only with more apes) and then the dinosaurs took over the earth and astronauts from our time took off thinking they were going to land on one planet far, far away but instead their space ship malfunctioned and they went forward in time and landed back on the very same planet they left from but this time the dinosaurs had now taken over and eaten all the apes. See those apes weren’t as smart as they thought they were or they wouldn’t have messed with dinosaur DNA.

I can just hear Charlton say, “Get your hands off me you damned dirty (maybe he would say scaly) dinosaur!” BUT – what if it was a T-Rex? Could that educated T-Rex population have been smart enough to figure out a way to make longer arms for their generation so that they indeed would have hands long enough to put on Charlton Heston? Debatable.

You know what? No matter how much I like this premise, it just won’t work. I can’t think of a single dinosaur that could put anything around Charlton Heston - and get away with it. Especially if his side-kick astronaut was Chuck Norris...

Now we are talking movie history!! And the Oscar goes to……