Like The Corners of My Mind

It is amazing to me how life trudges on; and days turn into weeks, then months, then years and you come to believe that things that happened 30 years ago (or more) are dealt with and filed away in the file cabinet in the back of your brain that is marked – Too Old To Dredge Up – Not Important Anymore.

But then something happens NOW and somehow one of those drawers in that file cabinet in the back of your brain gets jerked open and the memory or memories that were long ago tucked away, come flooding back like the circumstances had happened only moments ago. You feel it ALL – all over again.

The file cabinet is no respecter of whether you want to remember. It just brings the file card of memories up to the forefront of your mind and sticks it to the emotion center of your brain with a tack and shouts – HA! Now deal with it – again.

I have too much to do to be side tracked in this manner today. But I can’t stop the flood. If I had some Gorilla Glue I would take those memories, make sure they were filed safely in the file cabinet and Gorilla Glue it shut. I would post a sign on the cabinet that would read – Do Not Open. Although, actually you couldn’t anyway because Gorilla Glue is AWESOME at sticking things together permanently. (Think Siamese goldfish – that weren’t actually born that way. And yes, they can live for a while like that.)

I won’t divulge exactly what I am talking about as I don’t want to open the drawer of the locked away memories for anyone else. Keep smiling and just keep swimming, just keep swimming…

I Need A Higher Class of Friends

I am around many people. Family and friends. I hear so many things that make no sense. I wonder sometimes if I need new friends. I did realize I should have started writing them down sooner because the list would be longer. But here are a few I do remember:

She is living out her fantasies through this squirrel. (WTH?) 

Dammit, your watermelon face made me spill my sangria! (Seriously, the watermelon had a face) 

My chickens won’t go back into the TV. (Their favorite show must not have been on)

The frogs did this? (Said about FOG. 3 year olds say the cutest things)

I am up the roof and I don’t know where I am! (No GPS?)

What do you mean you didn’t get the lawn mower? How am I going to make the pie?

OMG! Too much coffee!! Now I can see noises!! (Yes, this was me) 

They tore down the gas station? Now where am I going to get pecans? (I am not eating anything this person cooks)

Wait just a second. I have to get my elephant out of the car. (How big of a car does this person have?) 

BananaJesus (Everyone should have a banana in their car) 

Princesses do NOT play in the toilet. (But 4 year olds do)

 

Come to think of it, mostly these were said by people in my family. Maybe my friends are not the problem! :)

The List - BYOB

I have been away for a while; both physically and mentally. Most people who know me would say that I am always away mentally. If I am lucky, on a good day, that is true.

My mother turned 80 over Labor Day. My sister threw a birthday bash that will live in the annals of the family history. Fun and frivolity were abundant between family members; except with the 80 year old guest of honor. She doesn’t get humor. She used to get our humor a little, but those grey matter cells are long gone – to church (another story, never mind). Anyway, in those few days I learned a lot. A lot about what makes my sister great, what makes me great, and what makes mom a control freak. I thought it would be a good idea to assemble a list for you so you will understand.

WHAT MY SISTER DOES BETTER THAN ME OR OUR MOM:

1.       Manage money

2.       Sewing

3.       Parenting

4.       Cooking

5.       Always seeing the world as a glass half full

6.       Loving dogs

7.       Never cusses in front of other humans

8.       Refrains from saying mean things about others (she may think them – but she never says   them)

9.       Loving the outdoors

10.   Putting up with bullshit with a smile on her face

WHAT I DO BETTER THAN MY SISTER OR OUR MOM:

1.       Organization

2.       Cleaning the house

3.       Baking pies

4.       Holding my liquor

5.       Loving cats

6.       Being objective

7.       Saying out loud what I think (you always know where you stand with me)

8.       Stopping bullshit

WHAT OUR MOM DOES BETTER THAN MY SISTER OR I:

1.       Everything

She is a legend in her own mind on the details of the best way to do EVERYTHING and she is not afraid to tell you. Being around her is precisely when I check out mentally. It helps when you are around her to pretend you aren’t listening. Well, that, AND the liquor and valium.

Minor Differences - or - My Brain is Too Fried to Think of My Own Stuff

My daughter sent me a email with this link: http://theoatmeal.com/comics/minor_differences

You really should view all 5 parts. There are so many funny but true observations. Here is a sample:



Enjoy! You are welcome! :)

Excuse Me, Does Anyone Have a Cave They Aren't Using?

Today two things have come across my path that makes me question if being a part of the human race is still possible for me.

First, a news cast this morning that told of a thwarted shooting spree at a high school. The police caught the young perpetrators before they had a chance to implement their heinous plan. It is horrible that so many young people seek to use violence as an answer to whatever problem they have. That being said, the police THWARTED the plan. Nothing happened. Yet, the statement was made on the news that “grief counselors and therapists would be on hand” when school started in a few days to help faculty and students through the trauma. WHAT?? Trauma? NOTHING HAPPENED. We are creating a society of victims. When I was growing up if something terrible ‘almost’ happened, we had a ‘moment of silence’ (i.e. prayer) and went on with our school day. Believe me, several terrible things actually did happen and we got no counseling what so ever and still grew up to be productive members of society.

Next I read an advice column. I love this woman. She gives the best advice answers I have ever read. She is thoughtful, insightful and gracious. Below is one of the questions in the column I read today:

Q. Ice Cream: My brother eats the strawberry and chocolate part of the Neapolitan ice cream and only leaves the vanilla part. He does it despite our protests. I’m devastated and have received counseling for this. Is there a civil way to stop him?

A: Your brother is dope. My grandparents used to get Neapolitan ice cream and the way you eat it is to devour the chocolate, then toss the telltale vanilla and strawberry mounds until all is even. As much as you may have needed therapy for this situation, consider that if you buy a couple of quarts of chocolate it might divert your brother from the Neapolitan. But if that doesn’t work, try to stay civil while you explore the possibility of a civil suit.

I can’t make myself believe that this is a serious question. I can’t make myself believe that she gave a serious answer.  Maybe she was trying to keep her readers on their toes. But if an individual can’t sort out their problems about ice cream, needs therapy about it, and then still needs to question an advice columnist – this world is in SERIOUS trouble.

Excuse me now. I just quit my job. I am packing my stuff and moving to the woods to become a hermit.

Mighty Austin Has Moved Out

Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright;

The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,

And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout;

But there is no joy in T’ville -- UGA bound Austin has moved out.

I know this poem dates me. Heck everything dates me now days. But no matter how old you get to be, you

will never want your last child to leave the nest...

Irony

This may be interesting to no one but me.

I am fast. I do things fast, I talk fast, I drive fast, and I eat fast. I even do #1 & #2 fast.

I get comments about how fast I go to the bathroom. NO – I am not making that up!

This morning I had to go to the bathroom. While I was in there I decided that for once I was going to take my time. This is what played out in my head:

“I am going to take my time today and I don’t give a shit.”

Then the irony hit. The irony of the word I thought of and that all at the same time I did and didn’t give a shit.

It made me laugh. You know you want to laugh too…go ahead.