I Need A Higher Class of Friends

I am around many people. Family and friends. I hear so many things that make no sense. I wonder sometimes if I need new friends. I did realize I should have started writing them down sooner because the list would be longer. But here are a few I do remember:

She is living out her fantasies through this squirrel. (WTH?) 

Dammit, your watermelon face made me spill my sangria! (Seriously, the watermelon had a face) 

My chickens won’t go back into the TV. (Their favorite show must not have been on)

The frogs did this? (Said about FOG. 3 year olds say the cutest things)

I am up the roof and I don’t know where I am! (No GPS?)

What do you mean you didn’t get the lawn mower? How am I going to make the pie?

OMG! Too much coffee!! Now I can see noises!! (Yes, this was me) 

They tore down the gas station? Now where am I going to get pecans? (I am not eating anything this person cooks)

Wait just a second. I have to get my elephant out of the car. (How big of a car does this person have?) 

BananaJesus (Everyone should have a banana in their car) 

Princesses do NOT play in the toilet. (But 4 year olds do)

 

Come to think of it, mostly these were said by people in my family. Maybe my friends are not the problem! :)

The List - BYOB

I have been away for a while; both physically and mentally. Most people who know me would say that I am always away mentally. If I am lucky, on a good day, that is true.

My mother turned 80 over Labor Day. My sister threw a birthday bash that will live in the annals of the family history. Fun and frivolity were abundant between family members; except with the 80 year old guest of honor. She doesn’t get humor. She used to get our humor a little, but those grey matter cells are long gone – to church (another story, never mind). Anyway, in those few days I learned a lot. A lot about what makes my sister great, what makes me great, and what makes mom a control freak. I thought it would be a good idea to assemble a list for you so you will understand.

WHAT MY SISTER DOES BETTER THAN ME OR OUR MOM:

1.       Manage money

2.       Sewing

3.       Parenting

4.       Cooking

5.       Always seeing the world as a glass half full

6.       Loving dogs

7.       Never cusses in front of other humans

8.       Refrains from saying mean things about others (she may think them – but she never says   them)

9.       Loving the outdoors

10.   Putting up with bullshit with a smile on her face

WHAT I DO BETTER THAN MY SISTER OR OUR MOM:

1.       Organization

2.       Cleaning the house

3.       Baking pies

4.       Holding my liquor

5.       Loving cats

6.       Being objective

7.       Saying out loud what I think (you always know where you stand with me)

8.       Stopping bullshit

WHAT OUR MOM DOES BETTER THAN MY SISTER OR I:

1.       Everything

She is a legend in her own mind on the details of the best way to do EVERYTHING and she is not afraid to tell you. Being around her is precisely when I check out mentally. It helps when you are around her to pretend you aren’t listening. Well, that, AND the liquor and valium.

Minor Differences - or - My Brain is Too Fried to Think of My Own Stuff

My daughter sent me a email with this link: http://theoatmeal.com/comics/minor_differences

You really should view all 5 parts. There are so many funny but true observations. Here is a sample:



Enjoy! You are welcome! :)

Excuse Me, Does Anyone Have a Cave They Aren't Using?

Today two things have come across my path that makes me question if being a part of the human race is still possible for me.

First, a news cast this morning that told of a thwarted shooting spree at a high school. The police caught the young perpetrators before they had a chance to implement their heinous plan. It is horrible that so many young people seek to use violence as an answer to whatever problem they have. That being said, the police THWARTED the plan. Nothing happened. Yet, the statement was made on the news that “grief counselors and therapists would be on hand” when school started in a few days to help faculty and students through the trauma. WHAT?? Trauma? NOTHING HAPPENED. We are creating a society of victims. When I was growing up if something terrible ‘almost’ happened, we had a ‘moment of silence’ (i.e. prayer) and went on with our school day. Believe me, several terrible things actually did happen and we got no counseling what so ever and still grew up to be productive members of society.

Next I read an advice column. I love this woman. She gives the best advice answers I have ever read. She is thoughtful, insightful and gracious. Below is one of the questions in the column I read today:

Q. Ice Cream: My brother eats the strawberry and chocolate part of the Neapolitan ice cream and only leaves the vanilla part. He does it despite our protests. I’m devastated and have received counseling for this. Is there a civil way to stop him?

A: Your brother is dope. My grandparents used to get Neapolitan ice cream and the way you eat it is to devour the chocolate, then toss the telltale vanilla and strawberry mounds until all is even. As much as you may have needed therapy for this situation, consider that if you buy a couple of quarts of chocolate it might divert your brother from the Neapolitan. But if that doesn’t work, try to stay civil while you explore the possibility of a civil suit.

I can’t make myself believe that this is a serious question. I can’t make myself believe that she gave a serious answer.  Maybe she was trying to keep her readers on their toes. But if an individual can’t sort out their problems about ice cream, needs therapy about it, and then still needs to question an advice columnist – this world is in SERIOUS trouble.

Excuse me now. I just quit my job. I am packing my stuff and moving to the woods to become a hermit.

Mighty Austin Has Moved Out

Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright;

The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,

And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout;

But there is no joy in T’ville -- UGA bound Austin has moved out.

I know this poem dates me. Heck everything dates me now days. But no matter how old you get to be, you

will never want your last child to leave the nest...

Irony

This may be interesting to no one but me.

I am fast. I do things fast, I talk fast, I drive fast, and I eat fast. I even do #1 & #2 fast.

I get comments about how fast I go to the bathroom. NO – I am not making that up!

This morning I had to go to the bathroom. While I was in there I decided that for once I was going to take my time. This is what played out in my head:

“I am going to take my time today and I don’t give a shit.”

Then the irony hit. The irony of the word I thought of and that all at the same time I did and didn’t give a shit.

It made me laugh. You know you want to laugh too…go ahead.

Truth Is Stranger Than Fiction

Today is Sunday. It is designated as the day of rest. I beg to differ. It is the day I could use a Valium.

No church today.

On to Tallahassee for breakfast, Krispy Kreme coffee (for home use) and the Walmart run.

Breakfast – iffy. We saw our server only twice; once to take our order and once to give us the check. Food? Delivered by someone else. Refills? We had to flag down yet another person to ask if she could find our server. She couldn't. She brought us the coffee and butter herself. She should have gotten the tip – but I couldn't find her again either!

Acquiring of coffee – successful.

Tallahassee Walmart. All I have to say is that the toilet paper was on the same aisle as the cereal. I don’t even want to tell you what picture that conjures up in my mind. We NEVER found the Oreos. Seriously, if finding Oreos turns into a major quest, it is time to abandon the cart and walk away. Which is what we did.

Drive back to our hometown. Walmart - part deux - run successful.

But now it has been FIVE – yes – FIVE hours since leaving the house. Four since breakfast and I need a drink and a small snack.

My mind goes to McDonald's. We go to the drive thru. We order 2 #2’s and a #7.

The faceless voice in the magic order box questions – “What drinks would you like with that?”

We answer, “We would like a coke.”

Faceless answers, “I am sorry we don’t have any coke.”

We respond, “Ok, Dr. Pepper.”

Faceless answers, “We don’t have any Dr. Pepper either.”

We respond, “Do you have diet?”

Faceless, “No, actually we don’t have ANY carbonated beverages.”

What????? Isn't that something you would OPEN with? ‘Thank you for your order, we are out of carbonated beverages, so would you like tea?”

Not our McDonald’s.

At the second window we receive our food. I check. We are missing an order of fries. We tell the person in the window. No response. We get our ‘tea’ but it had no ice (you can't make this stuff up). They were out. We sit there waiting for our rogue bag of fries. Nothing.

The girl looks at us and says, “Thanks. Have a nice day.” In a vain attempt to shoo us away.

We respond, “We will when we get our fries!” Fries finally attained.

Ahhhh, home. We finally are here. Unload. Our son gets his food from the bag and goes back to his room. I go outside to spray paint my frustration away.

It is then I hear my son as he is walking out the spray painting arena.

“Um mom, shouldn't a cheeseburger actually have a burger in it?”

WHAT???!!! Yep, they gave us cheeseburgers with no burger in it. How do you even do that? McDonald’s is a BURGER joint! It is what they do! The burger should be the FIRST thing the cook reaches for! It isn't a cheese, onion, pickle, mustard & ketchup on a bun joint! It is a BURGER joint – therefore denoting that unless specifically requested – a burger should be incorporated into a cheeseburger.

I called. They say they will give us a free #2. I am skeptical. After all this is a McDonald’s with no carbonated beverages, no ice, no proof checking of orders going out the window and no burger in their burgers.

I need a nap. Maybe I should have just gone to church...