Thursday, November 21, 2013

Shampoo & Conditioner Demons

Long time no blog! I am sure no one missed a thing. But this morning something happened that made me yearn to blog. Yearn to speak my mind. Yearn to find out if anyone else thinks upon the things that run through my mind. Here it goes. 

Let’s start this new series with shampoo and conditioner. I fully believe that when the Wicked Witch of the West melted, her hair remained behind because even water could not tame that beast. When Dorothy found the leftover hair she asked the Wizard of Oz what they should do with it. He replied, "Throw it over the rainbow." They did and it landed on my head and stuck there! So, because of that series of events, I must buy shampoo AND conditioner. I don’t mind buying both, I would probably buy them both even if my hair didn’t present as a wild unkempt sasquatch – if they are real – and I have an opinion on that, but I am not feeling particularly 'squatchy' today, so we will discuss that at a later date. So, back to the shampoo conundrum. If you are like me you follow directions. Lather, rinse, repeat. You have to repeat! You have to follows the directions! This rule is NOT made to be broken. Even if you are a rebel in almost every other daily action – you have to Lather, Rinse, Repeat. It takes the dual cleansing to remove the product, dirt, grime, leftover food particles and bits of cat food out of the mop you call your hair. What choice do you have? None. BUT, now we get to the, shall we say, ridiculous part of the shampoo/conditioner world. They NEVER make a bottle of shampoo twice as big as they do the bottle of conditioner. Why is that? If you lather, rinse, repeat on shampoo why don’t you have to do the same with the conditioner? I am sure it is a law somewhere that they must run out at the same time, if only I could find which state has that law. Why is conditioner made so well that you only have to apply once but shampoo is made like an underdog and diluted to the point that it isn’t strong enough to only be used once? Shame on the manufacturers. 

Speaking of being strong enough, that segways perfectly into my second question of the morning about the aforementioned conditioner. The conditioner I have in my shower is so thick that you almost have to be Wonder Woman to squeeze even a pea size amount of conditioner out of the bottle. Wonder Woman I tell you! Yes, I have the conditioner bottle end up, so that it slides down straight to the expelling hole. But the hole is where it stops, like glue. Like a defiant child it refuses to cooperate! It is no surprise that my showers are starting to take longer and longer and cause me no end of stress. Let me show you why: 

1.    Turn on shower because at our house it takes a good day & a half to get the hot water back to the pipes that feed the shower. While waiting I do the following:

2.    Shave my chin.

3.    Weigh myself.

4.    Curse my weight.

5.    Pet a cat.

6.    Pet another cat.

7.    Throw the towel over the shower door.

8.    Read a book.

9.    Go get another cup of coffee

10. Check the weather.

11.  Change a light bulb in the living room lamp.

12.  Take a jog around the block to prepare myself for the shampoo predicament.

Finally, hot water. Ahhhhh, sweet warm water caressing my body, but then it starts. Lather, rinse, repeat. So far so good. But now to apply the conditioner. The list for applying the conditioner is almost as long as the waiting to get hot water! 

1.    Open conditioner bottle.

2.    Try to squeeze out some conditioner.

3.    Give up.

4.    Turn the water off.

5.    Get out of the shower.

6.    Dry off.

7.    Kick the kitten & dog that are lying on my Wonder Woman outfit off.

8.    Use a sticky roller to get the cat/dog hair off my suit.

9.    Get into the Wonder Woman Suit.

10. Get back into the shower to retrieve the conditioner.

11.  Squeeze the conditioner with the mighty strength of Wonder Woman.

12.  If that still doesn’t work, wrap the Lasso of Truth around the bottle and pull tight.

13.  Carefully get back out of the shower.

14.  Cautiously remove my Wonder Woman suit with one hand (because you know I have conditioner in the other hand).

15.  Turn the water back on.

16.  Wait for the hot water (see previous list for time frame)

17. Get back into the shower.

18. Apply conditioner. 

Does that sound like a nice relaxing shower? NO and I blame the shampoo and conditioner. I almost cannot even look at them anymore without complete contempt. Don’t even ask me about the 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner combos. LIES I tell you. Full and complete fabrications!!! 

I must close for now. I am frustrated just thinking about this and now I have to blow dry my hair and go to the store to get some more shampoo. Not conditioner, I have plenty of that.