Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Altered States

I had a lot of time to think this weekend because I was ill. Here is how one conversation went – in my head:

Lightheaded me:  So, you need to decide. Do you want to retire near the ocean or in the mountains? Which is more important?

Me: I have vertigo right now. Do you seriously want me to make an important life decision when I can’t think straight?

Lightheaded me:  Why the hell not? It isn’t like you have made that many great decisions clear headed!

Me: Huh. Well then, let me throw this out. What about a lake – it is still water – surrounded by mountains.

Lightheaded me:  Good call, good call. But I am not clear on whether it is the water or the wave action you like.

Me: Can you leave the wave action out of it for now. I am about to barf.

Lightheaded me:  Sorry. I know you want to be near your sister, and if you choose the ocean I know your sister would be right there with you.

Me: Retire with my sister? What about my husband. What about her husband?

Lightheaded me: You and your sister are half Stiteler, you are going to live forever. Your men are moot. They will probably be long gone. If not, we could take them out.

Me: What? Wait a second.

Lightheaded me: NO! Make plans now! DO IT! Call your sister! Plan it out!

Me: Ummmm…just a second…Let me go get my vertigo medicine…

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Good Food = Happiness

This is so good it will make you want to slap my momma! (That thought runs through my mind on a continuous loop. Shhhhh)

Tomato-Basil Pie

Follow the directions with one refrigerated pie shell but only cook it half way. When you pull it out of the oven sprinkle 1/2 cup of parmesan cheese over the hot pie crust. This will prevent your crust from getting soggy.

Chop up 4 large tomatoes into small pieces and place in pie crust.

In a food processor combine 1 cup of fresh basil and 1 tablespoon of prepared garlic. Process until mixed well in small pieces. Using your hands sprinkle basil-garlic mixture over tomatoes.

In a bowl mix 1 cup of Hellman's Mayonnaise, 1 cup of shredded mozzarella cheese, 1/2 cup parmesan cheese and 1 tablespoon of white pepper. Carefully spread this mixture evenly over the basil-garlic mixture.

Bake at 350 degrees for 40 minutes. The pie should be golden and bubbly.

Let it rest for at least 20 minutes before cutting.

I have yet to get my fill of this...and I have eaten A LOT.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Sorry, I Didn't Hear the Phone Ring

I talked to my mother last night. She is 80. She is independent, mobile and for the most part is coherent. For the most part. The world loves my mother. I have yet to meet a person that doesn’t think she is wonderful. But then, they don’t talk to her as much as my sister and I do.

She is the person that I quoted about being lost on the roof in my earlier post of things you never thought you would hear come out of someone’s mouth. (I Need A Higher Class of Friends) Lost on the roof of a 1,400 square foot ranch style house; I mean really, that is virtually impossible! Now if it was a 10,000 square foot, multi-level, multi-winged mansion, then it becomes more believable. Sort of.

In 15 minutes last night I learned:

·       That her cell phone – internet/data not included – had a ‘virus’. Did she take its temperature? What symptoms was the phone exhibiting? How did she know it was a ‘virus’ and not just a bug that was going around. (or maybe just a mostly dead battery?!)

·       That she lost some of her birthday pictures that were on her phone because she took it to Walgreens and not CVS. I wish someone had warned her that Walgreens is evil! Their photo machines are masterminds at ingeniously stealing memories from unsuspecting victims. Damn their thieving programming! (Ummmm, operator error springs to mind actually.)

·       That she has been soaking her ingrown toenail for more than 2 weeks and she thinks she finally sees some results. (I think her toenail is just so sick of being given the waterboarding treatment that it just gave up and grew out of the skin hole it had put itself into. If I were that toenail I would have)

·       That her 2 friends who are 96 and 92 were still ‘active as ever’. (Not sure where to go with that)

·       That she was so happy that her best friend asked about me. Which is not surprising since we (BF & I) have a mutual admiration society going on between the 2 of us; but mom made it out like her best friend has completely lost her marbles and mostly just drools a lot now - but somewhere in the cobwebs of her confused memory banks she managed to muster just enough lucidity to ask how I was doing. WTH. (her best friend is as coherent as I am – possibly more)

·       That she had her ‘helper’ clear out the triangle between the 3 trees. No other explanation was extolled. (of course I know exactly where she meant on her expansive tree ridden property)

·       That my son called her to thank her for the letter that she said he “finally got.” I need to state that for 2 years he attended one college, graduated and is now attending a completely different university. She originally sent the letter to his first college – that he doesn’t attend anymore – because he graduated. But somehow it is his fault for not getting the letter sooner. Just sayin’.

Well, I think I have bored you enough. Every conversation with her is like a trip to some confusing amusement park. You are never quite sure what is real or if you have just ridden Mrs. Toad’s Wild Ride and your head is still spinning. Either way, she is my mom. I am sure I am a lot like her – which scares me just a little bit. I am lying – it scares the hell out of me. I just hope that when I get old and crazy, my kids pack me up, and send me a long journey to a land where there are no phones…

Thursday, October 9, 2014


Everyone may be way ahead of me in the great quotes department, but I just got an email with a quote in the senders 'signature' that I simply cannot just read and go  - wow. I have to post it. If you have any quotes that just blow your mind, please feel free to let me know!

"If you have integrity, nothing else matters.  If you don't have integrity, nothing else matters."

~Alan Simpson

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Halloween Queen

I have a sign in my office that says:

Until further notice…celebrate everything

That is how I like to live my life – outside of work. Nothing to celebrate there - except that I am not unemployed.

I like celebrate fall, summer, winter, spring, birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, New Years, St. Patrick’s Day, Valentine’s Day, Memorial Day, 4th of July,  Flag Day, Columbus Day, Veteran’s Day, Thanksgiving, I have a great red car day, I thought of my kids day so I am going to buy what I found that made me think of them day, my husband is cute day, even, I don’t have to go to work day. ANY DAY I can think of to change up, decorate, act crazy, cook special food, just generally be happy and live on a different level than like I exist on a normally dismal, boring, routine week in life. Let’s face it, life gets monotonous and I need a diversion!

My husband doesn’t see it that way though. He just sees all this celebrating as ‘an expense.’

In the past few years for some reason I have embraced decorating for Halloween. I used to hate Halloween. No candy, no decorating. I was the world’s greatest Ba Humbug anti-celebrate this day individual you have ever seen. When my entire workplace dressed up one year, I refused. I was cajoled and begged, but I stood up for my beliefs and went as a ‘human’ that day. I couldn’t dress up! It was the Devil’s Day & I wanted no part of his evil plot to take over the world via dressed up children (and adults) begging for candy.

Then I had kids. I lost my mind, but I gained perspective. The celebrate anything for any reason perspective.

So, now I decorate for, dress up for and embrace the holiday that celebrates being someone other than yourself. I even decorate my office and dress up at work. I won first place in the costume contest last year. Today a coworker just came into my office and called me the “Halloween Queen.” Talk about a role reversal. AND I LOVE IT.

I may put on my crown this year because the term ‘Queen’ just may be true. This year I even decorated my car. It is 'blood red' after all. Some say I have gone too far. But I have ask, how much farther could I go??

Just wait until next year!