Monday, November 23, 2015


If you don’t follow NASCAR, or watch morning TV, or read the paper, or cruise the interwebs, or listen to the radio, you do not know that:

 Jeff Gordon did NOT win last night.

There were only 4 drivers vying for the championship and he came in third.

You know who won?

The person I most despise in the history of not liking certain drivers as long as I have known about NASCAR.

He is an arrogant, mean spirited; creep of a human and I wouldn’t care if I never heard his name ever again. That is how much I loathe him.

So how does all this fit into my rantings of last week?

I am not sure.

It is like trying to trying to reconcile the difference between God losing to the Devil and I don’t know where to go with it.

But I did learn something.

Number One:  Like I said earlier, you should never bargain with God.

Number Two:  It is a dumb idea to base life altering decisions on something as senseless as a sporting event.

Number Three:  I believe now that I really, really just WANTED Jeff to win. Church had nothing to do with it.

Number Four:  Now I have to find another excuse if I don’t want to go to church because the cat is out of the bag, so to speak, and my husband stated that he refuses to let me use him as a reason anymore!

Number Five:  God must not care that much about NASCAR.

Maybe He had bigger things on His mind last night.

Maybe He just wanted me to come to the realization that church attendance cannot be bartered and if I DO attend, it must simply be because I want to – not because someone won a trophy.

But today, my head is still reeling by trying to make sense of who did win, and the jury is still out. I will let you know the verdict when I come to it.

Thank you for reading.

Friday, November 20, 2015

Coffee & Jeff Gordon

Since I have let you in on the insanity that permeates my grey matter about Jeff Gordon, I thought I would give you an update of the crazy that my mind jumps to, in that regard, in quiet moments of the morning.

It was a dark and stormy morning. (Heh, heh. I love that line) Really though, it was raining. I was in the hot tub as usual. No cats this time, the rain was harshing their morning walkabout buzz. So I was alone. Alone with my thoughts.


Like I didn’t have 16 million other things I should be thinking about.

My thought stream went in this direction – Jeff Gordon winning, possibly going to church again, the fact that I had gone to church most of my life, the raising of my daughter in church, the raising of my son not so much in church, the 3 of us travelling so much when they were younger, and the prayer we used to say (I still say) at the beginning of every journey.

Here it is:

Dear Lord,

Thank you for allowing us to go on this trip. (Always start out a prayer with a word of thanks. In my mind it butters God up for what you are going to ask him to do next!)

Please put your hands on the engine and keep it running smoothly. Keep it running exactly like the manufacturer designed it to run. (Seriously, I do not expect God to put his hand on the hot ass engine, but I don’t know how else to phrase it.)

Also, please keep the tires rolling smoothly. Please let them grip the road exactly as they were designed to do. Let there be no implosions, explosions, flats, or hydroplaning. (Yes, I try to cover ALL the bases.)

Please put your guardian angels roundabout the car so that we touch nothing and nothing touches us. (A polite way to say I DON’T WANT TO GET IN AN ACCIDENT!)

Help us to get to –‘insert destination’ – quickly, safely, and with no problems what-so-ever. (That is where, in my mind, I am including speeding tickets without coming right out and saying – Hey God, I am going to speed – please don’t let any cops see me do it! After all, I had impressionable children in the car with me.)

Thank you so much for everything. (Always end a prayer with gratitude too – just saying.)

In Jesus name, Amen.

There you have it. My no fail, never have a problem, travel prayer. Pretty nifty don’t you think?

And now I will let you in on why I recited it to you. Because remember, this is really about Jeff Gordon.

Somehow my warped intellect thought – “Hey, if that prayer has worked for you all these years, why don’t you try it for JEFF GORDON? He is IN A CAR after all!”

I know what you are thinking – WHY THAT IS SHEER GENUIS! (If you aren’t, you should be)

Jeff needs a ‘clean’ race to win. ‘A clean race’ is NASCAR speak for a race with no problems.

A car, a long, fast drive and the need to have no problems! Why WOULDN’T you think of my prayer?!

So this is how the prayer morphed this morning with only ½ of cup of coffee in me, while it was raining, and I was distracted by the fact that I was alone outside and 2 prisoners had just escaped the day before in my town and were still on the loose and I had no cats to guard my safety. (Which is why this all makes perfect sense now, right?)

Dear Lord,

Thank you for allowing Jeff Gordon (if you don’t say the whole name of the person you are praying for, God might think it was any random Jeff that may be on the race track!) to be in the Championship race Sunday. (See – I started with gratitude!)

Please put your hands on his #24 car and keep it running smoothly. Keep it running exactly like Hendrick Motorsports designed it to run.

Also, please keep his tires rolling smoothly. Please let them grip the track exactly as they were designed to do. Let there be no implosions, explosions, flats, or hydroplaning.

Please help his pit crew change his tires and give his car gas with record speed. Don’t let there be any loose or lost lug nuts, no bad track bar adjustments, and not too many pit crew over the wall – no problems what-so-ever.

Please put your guardian angels roundabout Jeff’s car so that he touches nothing and nothing touches him.

Help him be the first to go across the finish line, safely, and with no problems. Let him win his last race so he can be the champion in his final season and go out on top!

Thank you so much for everything you have done for me and I would be totally grateful if you answered this prayer. (Here’s the gratitude again – because you know – it will sway HIM to do what I want)

In Jesus name, Amen.

This incident tells me too things. I know too much about NASCAR and I should NEVER get into the hot tub before having 2 cups of coffee.

See you Sunday!

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Hot Tubs, Jeff Gordon, & Losing Your Mind

This morning I got into my hot tub. It is usually a place that I contemplate the world for a few minutes each morning. I think about my loved ones and say a quick morning prayer for them, watch my cats wander around the ‘porch shelf’, relax, and generally get ready for the day.

This morning, NASCAR was on my mind. What the hell. Because rich people racing around a track – i.e. “it’s a left turn and another left turn, and another left turn” – is on my top 10 list of world changing activities that needs contemplating in the wee hours of the early morning? Definitely not.

But it IS on my husband’s top ten list.

Therefore I am constantly updated about each Sunday’s race, the drivers, and their standings.

This year Jeff Gordon is retiring – my husband’s favorite driver. So, I hear A LOT about Jeff Gordon.

Don’t get me wrong, I like Jeff Gordon as much as the next person that is an apathetic, indifferent, uninvolved, this ain’t changing MY life so why SHOULD I care racecar fan, but this retiring thing has put a crimp in my laissez faire, I don’t give a shit, attitude about NASCAR.

I WANT Jeff Gordon to win the Sprint Cup (dear god, I even know the trophy’s name. What is happening to me?) this year. I want him to go out a CHAMPION.

He seems to be a nice guy. So in my mind, he should win – because he is retiring.

I am close to retiring too – and I want to go out on top like I want Jeff Gordon to go out on top.

But something is missing for/in me. I could be philosophical about it all and give you a 3 page story about ‘this missing thing’ but I am going to narrow it down to this sentence for the sake of your sanity.

I need to go back to church.

Not want. Not should. Not could. NEED.

However my husband has this Sunday schedule that he likes to adhere to and I balk at messing up this schedule. Yes, I am just that wonderful of a wife!

So I make excuses not to go to church. I mostly use my husband’s Sunday Waffle House/Goodwill/Walmart run as the main excuse, but there are others. Lazy comes to mind as well.

Nevertheless today in my morning meditations/warm bath coziness time my mind came up with this:

“Lord, if you can somehow help Jeff Gordon win the championship this year I will tell my husband that I am going to go to church EVERY Sunday. Well, almost every Sunday.”




(Yes, I AM cursing right after I tell you my prayer!)

How in the world did some bargain like that pop into my head? WTF
Number one – you shouldn’t bargain with God.
Number two – what a seriously STUPID bargain!
Number three – you shouldn't curse right after you pray.
Rather than just manning up (womaning up?) and saying to myself and the world (aka my husband) – I AM GOING TO CHURCH. I have to make a deal with God about NASCAR?
Why didn’t I make a bargain like – say – if I win the lottery I will go to church? How about a deal that involves my job giving me a $50,000.00 raise? Or perhaps I go to church after someone gives me a Tesla? Or ANYTHING else that made a little more sense than a NASCAR race that doesn’t affect ME at all??!!
You HAVE to say to yourself – WTF. You just have to!
But the bargain has been made. No matter how stupid or accidental. I am bound by the laws of God, man, and the hot tub.
Sunday is D-Day for me. May the best racer or potentially church going woman win.