Thursday, September 17, 2015

Humor In A Lab Coat

Although I said I would not blog here until I fixed myself, even in the brokenness, sometimes there is humor that even I see. Such is an email I sent to my sister today. It may have more information than you need about me, but you don't actually know me, so the information will be for a faceless blogger in a world full of bloggers.

If you don't find it as funny as I did as I was writing this, it is fine. I just thought I would share.

"OMG, this is too long to text – in my opinion – so I am emailing you. Do you hate doctors like I hate doctors?? Yes – you do, so you will completely understand my snotty sarcasm about this ordeal. 

Last Saturday, Skeet & I were sitting in a restaurant for lunch when a pain of immense magnitude took over my lower left body. Kind of like a I was being stabbed from my left front butt cheek (What is the name of that thing?) up at a sideways angle. The pain gave me hot flashes, chills, nausea, and the need to pee. I went to the bathroom and went #1 (which totally shocked Skeet because I NEVER go to the bathroom in a public place - so he KNEW something was really wrong with me), but the pain remained  - as did the need to pee. It subsided a little Saturday afternoon, but the general hurt and need to pee did not. I still hurt on Sunday, so thinking it was a UTI, I went to the doctor Monday morning. I got poked and prodded and violated (J) in the girly way and had a urine test and a blood test and all manner of things and they found NOTHING 

So my doctor said that it could be diverticulitis (up until that day I thought diverticulitis was a blanket diagnosis that doctors used when people had pain, they didn’t know what it was, couldn’t figure it out and generally thought the patient was nuts – I know better now because I Googled it), a hernia (from what – lifting a cat?), a kidney stone (ouch!), or a problem with an ovary (Really? A dead shriveled lima bean sized object in my body that hasn’t served a purpose in 10 years?) and that to further diagnose me I should probably have a CT scan. They could do an ultra sound, but it would not show ALL the possibilities that my problem could stem from and a CT scan would. 

My mind instantly went to the fact that those things cost hundreds of dollars that I don’t have. But I was hurting SO bad, I meekly agreed, throwing caution and cost to the wind. I was told that they would have to pre-cert it and then schedule the scan and then they would give me a call with the appointment date. I figured a couple of hours to do that tops – or if they were slow, I would hear from them the next morning. I was sure they would hurry, after I knew the drill because I had worked in a doctors office for 10 years - AND because they knew I was in PAIN.

Remember – I went to the doctor Monday morning, September 14th. I got the call today – Thursday September 17th . THREE & ½ days later with the wonderful news that my appointment had been scheduled for – wait for it – Wednesday September 23rd! What the fuck. 

Good thing it really wasn’t something deadly like my ruptured colon spewing toxins into my system (but it may be – we just don’t know!). I will either be well by next Wednesday – or I will be dead. 

P.S. Also during this time I went cold turkey on using chapstick. Watch out world I have pain going on everywhere!!!! 

P.P.S. Love you, mean it!"

So friends, this time if I really don't ever post again, you will know that my doctor did not get the CT scan done in time to save me...stupid doctors. 

But if I do - you can credit the old saying that what doesn't kill me, makes me stronger. I must be Herculean by now...