Sorry, I Didn't Hear the Phone Ring

I talked to my mother last night. She is 80. She is independent, mobile and for the most part is coherent. For the most part. The world loves my mother. I have yet to meet a person that doesn’t think she is wonderful. But then, they don’t talk to her as much as my sister and I do.

She is the person that I quoted about being lost on the roof in my earlier post of things you never thought you would hear come out of someone’s mouth. (I Need A Higher Class of Friends) Lost on the roof of a 1,400 square foot ranch style house; I mean really, that is virtually impossible! Now if it was a 10,000 square foot, multi-level, multi-winged mansion, then it becomes more believable. Sort of.

In 15 minutes last night I learned:

·       That her cell phone – internet/data not included – had a ‘virus’. Did she take its temperature? What symptoms was the phone exhibiting? How did she know it was a ‘virus’ and not just a bug that was going around. (or maybe just a mostly dead battery?!)

·       That she lost some of her birthday pictures that were on her phone because she took it to Walgreens and not CVS. I wish someone had warned her that Walgreens is evil! Their photo machines are masterminds at ingeniously stealing memories from unsuspecting victims. Damn their thieving programming! (Ummmm, operator error springs to mind actually.)

·       That she has been soaking her ingrown toenail for more than 2 weeks and she thinks she finally sees some results. (I think her toenail is just so sick of being given the waterboarding treatment that it just gave up and grew out of the skin hole it had put itself into. If I were that toenail I would have)

·       That her 2 friends who are 96 and 92 were still ‘active as ever’. (Not sure where to go with that)

·       That she was so happy that her best friend asked about me. Which is not surprising since we (BF & I) have a mutual admiration society going on between the 2 of us; but mom made it out like her best friend has completely lost her marbles and mostly just drools a lot now - but somewhere in the cobwebs of her confused memory banks she managed to muster just enough lucidity to ask how I was doing. WTH. (her best friend is as coherent as I am – possibly more)

·       That she had her ‘helper’ clear out the triangle between the 3 trees. No other explanation was extolled. (of course I know exactly where she meant on her expansive tree ridden property)

·       That my son called her to thank her for the letter that she said he “finally got.” I need to state that for 2 years he attended one college, graduated and is now attending a completely different university. She originally sent the letter to his first college – that he doesn’t attend anymore – because he graduated. But somehow it is his fault for not getting the letter sooner. Just sayin’.

Well, I think I have bored you enough. Every conversation with her is like a trip to some confusing amusement park. You are never quite sure what is real or if you have just ridden Mrs. Toad’s Wild Ride and your head is still spinning. Either way, she is my mom. I am sure I am a lot like her – which scares me just a little bit. I am lying – it scares the hell out of me. I just hope that when I get old and crazy, my kids pack me up, and send me a long journey to a land where there are no phones…