Conversation last night:
Me: I ordered a taxidermy raccoon from eBay.
My Husband (we shall call him “Boy” from now onto make things easier): Great! Where are we going to put him?
Me: In the freezer.
Boy: Why would we put him in the freezer? To scare the corn?
Me: Well, um, I accidentally ordered a live, dead raccoon that needs to be stuffed, not one that already is.
Me: I have no excuse, I didn’t read carefully enough. But I only wasted $50.
Boy: Shaking his head. I don't want to talk about this anymore.
Me: Can we give him to Arthur? Wouldn’t he eat him? He likes raccoon meat.
Boy: No we can’t give him to Arthur. Do you even know how old this thing is or how it was killed? And I told you this is so ridiculous I don't want to talk about this anymore!
Boy: What if he is thawed out when we get him? Can they even send something like that through the mail??
Me: I guess…
Boy: What if the post office thinks the raccoon is a cover for drugs and raids our house after we get it and tries to tear apart all our taxidermy searching for nonexistent drugs because they think we are the fence for the frozen nontaxidermied raccoon drug cartel?? What if they have been watching this guy for years because he is a mail bomber and he sends his bombs in dead frozen animals – and now they think we are his new trainees? What if it thaws and starts to stink and they think it is a dead body part. Oh my God, what were you thinking???!!
Boy: UM? All you got it ‘um”? From now on eBay is dead to you – like the raccoon.