Monday, March 31, 2014

Run! It is a Salesman!

I want a new couch; a reclining new couch. In the last 2.5 years I have had 4 couches. Excess you say? “Test driving” I say. The problem is exactly that – you cannot test drive a couch. Is it comfortable for more than 5 minutes? Does it really fit where I want to put it? Can the dog jump up on it? Do the cats wish to destroy it? If a flock of seagulls invaded your house and nested on it, could it be cleaned? (Yes, that can happen) And most importantly – can you and your husband rub each other’s feet comfortably on it. Oh, you may think those questions can be answered easily – but they cannot by just looking at the couches in the store, my friend, they cannot. Thus the 4 couches.

Couch #4, while looking nice, is the most uncomfortable of all and can only be compared to cavemen using rocks as seating implements. So last Saturday my kids (who were home visiting and constantly reminding me of just how uncomfortable this rock – I mean couch - was) and I went to the furniture store and we found a couch. A couch that completely reclined! The entire couch! It was great! But I wanted my husband to sit on it. So off to the furniture store he & I went this Saturday. This is how it played out.

Opening Scene:

Husband & Wife enter furniture store stage left. Wife steers husband to couch of her dreams. Husband seats himself on couch. Salesman enters stage right.

Salesman: Hello! My name is Overzealous, Much too talky, Too excited, (why doesn’t he just shut up) Salesman! Welcome to Turnaround Furniture! And you are…

Husband: Husband and this is my wife, Wife.

Salesman: What have you come to Turnaround Furniture to look for today?

Wife: I came to show my husband this couch. My kids & I came last week and sat on it and I wanted my husband to see it before I bought it.

Salesman: So living room furniture?

Wife: No, THIS couch. (Wife repeats prior statement)

Salesman: This is an Ashey couch. It isn’t very well made. You don’t want this couch.

Wife: Well, actually I do.

Salesman: Let me show you how this couch is made. Ashey couches are made of particle board and elastic bands. Let me show you another brand that is better constructed.

Salesman walks off stage right to find his “better construction” visual aid.

Husband & Wife turn and walk off stage left and out the door headed to their well-constructed car.

End Scene

I really did want that couch….but I cannot abide stupid.


  1. 'Stupid' seems to be contagious these days, so I hope you showered when you got home !
    Nice post!
    I guess its back to more test driving for you !

  2. what you should do is invite all of us to go couch shopping with you.
    have you ever seen all of us shopping at the same time?!?!
    it will literally make people insane.
    No salesman will come near you... not even with a ten foot pole
    pretend to be gypsies