It Has To Be The Age - Or The Booze

Today I officially turned 58. I hate it. I loathe getting old. When I was younger I loathed the THOUGHT of growing old and now that it is here my loathing has not diminished but intensified. Now granted, I am always told that the alternative is worse than getting old – but I don’t know anymore…. 

I also have heard that getting old involves losing cognitive functions. You hear and see that talked about everywhere. But not in my family. We just grow old – and older – and older – and then we die. Brain cells and bones intact. 

However, a dream I had this morning between 5:15 a.m. and 6:17 a.m. is making me question whether my brain cells are starting their mutinous decline – or whether I need to stop drinking. The answer could go either way – or both ways – I haven’t decided yet. 

 I want to tell you just how bizarre it was: 

It started with me going to college and I was going to live in the dorm – AT MY CURRENT AGE (a few years shy of 60!). 

No one seemed shocked about this and I was given a roommate assignment, a room assignment, and given a key. I moved a few things in and then got my purse and keys and went out to the ‘quad’ to see if I could find anyone I knew. (Because so many 60 year olds go to college?! What the what?) 

While wandering around I came upon a RV – our RV. (The RV my husband and I own and by the way – where is he?) 

So I think, ‘Hey, I have the weekend since school doesn’t start until Monday and it is only Friday.’ and I hopped in the camper (because I have the keys remember) and drove to a campground. 

I set everything up, the day ends and I go to bed. Alone. 

The next morning I awaken to a storm. I got up and started checking the camper out because I was kind of feeling soggy. It was then that I discovered that the RV had mutated overnight into some weird multi-level camper/tent thing and it was leaking horribly from the tent roof part. I checked everywhere to try to find a way to stop the deluge from continuously spilling inside and ended up finding some awning kind of a thing that I pulled over the tear that seemed to solve my problem.  

Relieved, I went back into the RV part of this RV/tent monstrosity so that I could make some breakfast and THERE WAS MY EX-HUSBAND!! What the hell??!! What was he was doing there? Of course I immediately wanted to bolt out of there – which I did. Thunder, lightning, rain and mud be damned! I had no idea what was happening and I wanted no part of it.  

Next thing I know I had somehow gotten back to the college and realized I had forgotten my purse in the camper and I couldn’t get into my dorm room (Shit). I was a mess! I needed a shower and non-rain soaked/muddied clothes! I turned around so that I could go find the RA to let me in my room and there was Drew Scott! (Yes that Drew Scott – HGTV – Property Brothers) 

Even in the dream, my mind went – WTF??!! 

But he appeared like he wasn’t shocked in the slightest at the situation and acted like he knew me! He asked if there was anything he could do for me. (Of course looking at him made me lose any thought of searching for an RA – who needs some college student to help when you have someone FAMOUS asking to help you!)  

I told him I was locked out of my room and that I needed to go get my keys so that I could come back and take a shower. I also stated that I would like to go to a CVS to get Goody’s powders. (Seriously? That is the best I could come up with?)  

He graciously said he would take me. We got into his car and started talking like we were old friends. I told him about what had just happened in the camper and he agreed about how odd it all seemed. But he assured me he would be more than happy to take me back to the campground (if we could find it) and that he would get my purse for me so I wouldn’t have to see my ex again. (I knew he was a gentleman!) 

We went to CVS and it was at that exact moment I suddenly decided I needed to shower and change my clothes immediately! I didn’t have time to get my keys and I didn’t have time to go to some campground that I had no recollection of how to get to!  

Courteous as always, he offered to take me back to his place, (WHOO HOO!) while patting me on my back to try to calm me down, so that I could shower. He added that he probably had some clothes that fit me. (What? Large old lady clothes? Where would he get something like that? But then again – he is rich!) 

That is when I finally asked him – “WHAT THE HECK? Why are you helping me? I know you are famous and have a skinny girlfriend (whose clothes would NEVER fit me) and you are probably in town doing a show! Why are you even here and making time for me???!!!” 

He calmly turned to me, smiled and said, “Well you seem fun. I like your sense of humor (had I even said anything humorous?) and the TV show is at a point that I don’t have to be there so I am bored.” (Giant WTF is happening here?) 

We drove to this house and he said he was going to Google the campground – but I couldn’t remember the name. (This totally makes all kinds of sense, right?) 

Drew looks sweetly at me and tells me not to worry that we will find the campground no matter how long it takes and then tells me where the bathroom is and provides me with a very nice bathrobe. (Those with money ALWAYS have nice robes) 

So, I go into the bathroom and turn on the shower to get the temperature correct and in walked a guy I work with!! I casually say, ‘Hi Mike! Are you visiting Drew too?’ (Like this is all perfectly normal) and he answers, ‘Yes! I just came in to brush my teeth.’ So he proceeded to brush his teeth and after he left I got into the shower… 

The end. 

I have nothing clever or witty or poignant to say here – except WTF. That really is all I have. 

It has to be the age….