But sometimes, I actually want to confront some stranger by walking up to them and yelling – “HEY BUDDY! You need to shave your pits!” I imagine that if I did though, that later as we were talking to the police, I would mutter, “And that is when the fight started.” The thought of being hauled off to jail over pit hair is ridiculous, so I pretty much keep my pit hair thoughts to myself.
But, because I am Lord and Master of my own underarms I have lately started to wonder about them. I haven’t seen any hair under there in years! I haven’t felt any hair under there in years either! Nor has any pit hair clogged up my razor in my recent past. Probably because of my aforementioned impeccable hygiene routine, but I wonder…
I kept thinking about our neighbor, Mrs. McCormick, who lived across the street when I was growing up. She once told us, at one of her tea drinking sessions with mom, that she did not have arm pit hair. My sister & I were amazed. We had never heard of such a thing! We were a hairy lot and the thought that one could go through life and have to never so much as graze an armpit with a razor was akin to actually finding out you were a princess, raised by someone in a far off country because as a child a witch threatened to do away with you before your 16th birthday, and that you were now fabulously wealthy and going to rule a country.
We knew how improbable BOTH scenarios must be - but it must be possible. We had human proof sitting right in front of our very own eyes, but we knew WE would never be so lucky.
But time has passed and I began to wonder, if one person had no pit hair, maybe there were others – maybe she was a member of some larger secret group! A group that has to keep their affliction under wraps (so to speak) because if the world was privy to their mutation, they would be treated like aliens! Those free of the hair would be hunted down, poked and prodded, tested, and locked away in Area 51 while the government tried to discover their secret. They would never be allowed to rest – never be safe – never be normal – because all of humanity wanted to be arm pit hair free! Mrs. McCormick had entrusted us with information so monumental it reverberates in my mind to this day. But we kept her secret. We kept her safe!
Mrs. McCormick had been armpit hair free all her life, but I got to thinking that maybe there was another group in the arena; a secret society that you could join as you aged. Maybe as you got older your pit hair thinned and died and generally gave up. If that was possible, I might be on the threshold of becoming their newest member!
I had to know! Since it was the beginnings of fall and a time of sleeves, perhaps I could find out! I could get away with this stunt and no one would know since no one would see my pits because they were hidden under a cocoon of material! I could find out if I was one of them and still keep their secret.
So last week I stopped shaving. I went cold turkey.
It has now been a full 7 days later and as I perused my pits in the mirror – I.Saw.Nothing! I was elated! I was ecstatic!
Now I am not going to definitively state that I am now a card caring member of the SHAP (Society of Hairless Arm Pits) – but I am closer now than I have ever been!
I told my daughter today and she replied, “Lucky jerk.” Yes – yes I am. She was then sworn to secrecy.
You who read this must keep the secret. Even if you don’t though, you will have no proof of this society – because – this post will self-destruct in 10 seconds. Close it now – before this happens. I don’t want you to get hurt.