Rain

Apparently I have lost my mind. Today is a day like any day – but there was the promise of bad weather. The promise? I said ‘promise’ on purpose! I love rain, lighting, thunder, hurricanes, tornados; you name it I get all giddy if it is in the forecast. Something most people dread – I look forward to. Like paper cuts and hemorrhoids - well not exactly like those.

Today even our normally exuberant weather guy, who made Kartina sound like a mild storm (I may be exaggerating a bit there), was amped today about the coming storm. Bad weather is ‘a comin’ around noon. It is 4:00 pm now and there is nothing but rain. Plain old everyday rain. Crap. I need a good storm; a storm that is outside instead of inside. I guess not today. Today, the storm remains unseen.

Run! It is a Salesman!

I want a new couch; a reclining new couch. In the last 2.5 years I have had 4 couches. Excess you say? “Test driving” I say. The problem is exactly that – you cannot test drive a couch. Is it comfortable for more than 5 minutes? Does it really fit where I want to put it? Can the dog jump up on it? Do the cats wish to destroy it? If a flock of seagulls invaded your house and nested on it, could it be cleaned? (Yes, that can happen) And most importantly – can you and your husband rub each other’s feet comfortably on it. Oh, you may think those questions can be answered easily – but they cannot by just looking at the couches in the store, my friend, they cannot. Thus the 4 couches.

Couch #4, while looking nice, is the most uncomfortable of all and can only be compared to cavemen using rocks as seating implements. So last Saturday my kids (who were home visiting and constantly reminding me of just how uncomfortable this rock – I mean couch - was) and I went to the furniture store and we found a couch. A couch that completely reclined! The entire couch! It was great! But I wanted my husband to sit on it. So off to the furniture store he & I went this Saturday. This is how it played out.

Opening Scene:

Husband & Wife enter furniture store stage left. Wife steers husband to couch of her dreams. Husband seats himself on couch. Salesman enters stage right.

Salesman: Hello! My name is Overzealous, Much too talky, Too excited, (why doesn’t he just shut up) Salesman! Welcome to Turnaround Furniture! And you are…

Husband: Husband and this is my wife, Wife.

Salesman: What have you come to Turnaround Furniture to look for today?

Wife: I came to show my husband this couch. My kids & I came last week and sat on it and I wanted my husband to see it before I bought it.

Salesman: So living room furniture?

Wife: No, THIS couch. (Wife repeats prior statement)

Salesman: This is an Ashey couch. It isn’t very well made. You don’t want this couch.

Wife: Well, actually I do.

Salesman: Let me show you how this couch is made. Ashey couches are made of particle board and elastic bands. Let me show you another brand that is better constructed.

Salesman walks off stage right to find his “better construction” visual aid.

Husband & Wife turn and walk off stage left and out the door headed to their well-constructed car.

End Scene

I really did want that couch….but I cannot abide stupid.

Do It For Denmark?

I don't normally like to post anything but my own thoughts. Today I am posting this. I have no thoughts, I have no words...

Sit Back and watch:

http://www.npr.org/blogs/thetwo-way/2014/03/27/295245957/do-it-for-denmark-video-urges-danes-to-go-all-the-way

Anagram Again!

Help me!! I can’t stop myself…

W – Wildly

E – Enjoying

D – Doing

N – Nothing.

E – Essentially

S – Starting to

D – Daydream

A – About

Y – You!

You are being mind-stalked. You have been warned.

OR……………….

W – When

E – Everyone

D – Dances

N – Naked

E – Every

S – Strange

D – Dip

A – Alleviates

Y – Yawning

Don’t believe me?? Try it. I wouldn’t lie to you....…or would I...

Tuesday

This is my Tuesday:

T – THOROUGHLY

U – UNINTERESTING & an

E – ENDLESS         

S – STREAM of

D – DEBILITATING 

A – A-HOLES         

Y – YAMMERING

Oh, how wish they had just been Yodeling…

Psycho - or - PSYCHO

My morning routine is pretty standard. I awake before anyone else (only my husband now) in the house to enjoy relative peace and quiet for a few blissful moments before the rest of the day buts in. But, don’t picture the serene awakening that comes from having no babies, or sirens, or roosters, or ear piercing beeping from an alarm clock. I have none of those anymore, so the initial opening of my eyes should be as peaceful as a clear mountain morning. But it is not. I have this. Picture if you will, 3 cats and a dog, pawing, jumping, purring, scratching, playing, snoring, or just plain old bringing their latest kill on the bed for you to marvel at, awakening. Yes, there have been live & dead mice and lizards on my bed, in my face at 5:30 a.m. When one of those morning “presents” is a snake, then we may have to talk “outside living” for my lovelies. But I am getting off track.

After coffee and giving morning treats to those wild beasts, it is time for a shower. Aside from a cat or 2 always staring at me when I get out of the shower it is usually uneventful. This morning, it took a turn toward the dark side. The - OMG - a serial killer or escaped convict is in my house and I am doomed - turn. Why you ask? Oh goody, I hoped you would ask.

I turned off the water and grabbed my towel and heard a small tinkling sound. The song was London Bridge. Just a few notes of it, but definitely London Bridge. A small chime sound. But we have no chimes! It sounded like the background music a slasher film has just before the slasher kills his next victim. I peer through the shower door. No cats. OMG! He has already killed my babies!!!

Then I heard another noise coming from the kitchen. Mother of God! The chime sound WASN’T my imagination. It is official, I am a dead woman. What will my children say? What will they do when they receive the news that their mother was found dead in the bathroom and their father was found murdered in his bed? Oh the carnage! The loss of human life!!

I need to sneak out of this shower trap and close & lock the bathroom door!! I wonder if the kids will know where to find the life insurance information. I wonder about the grandchildren I will miss. I wonder if the children will fight over the train lamp. Which one will have to tell my aging mother??!! I wonder why I lived this long, only to go out in such a brutal and senseless manner. Why didn’t I buy that FJ Cruiser when I had the chance???!! Why don’t I keep my cell phone in the bedroom?

More noise snaps me from my thoughts. What will I do, what will I do…

Grabbing my only weapon – a large, heavy bottle of shampoo, I sneak toward the door. I know you are asking why I am sneaking when obviously the killer knows I was in the shower – but just go with me here. You never think rationally when you are clearly almost murdered.

It was then I heard it. The pop, sploosh of a coke can open. Really?? The murderer is so brazen that he takes time to drink a coke? My poor, sweet husband must already been dispatched. No one to help me now. Ok, let’s get this over with. I bravely walk into the hall and there he is. MY HUSBAND!!

He got up early to take the motorcycle to the shop. Did he bother to tell me? Nope.

Clearly, my life will have to flash before my eyes another day – but he – my husband – better watch his back tonight…

Ten Statements or Questions Someone Never Questions You Further About

Ten Statements or Questions Someone Never Questions You Further About:

 

1.       I won’t be joining you today; I am having “bathroom issues.”

 

2.       You overpaid us! We are issuing you a refund today!

 

3.       If I tell you a lie, but then tell you I am telling you a lie, but then tell you I was only kidding that the original lie was the truth, would you know if I was lying or not?

 

4.       You don’t look a day over 18!

 

5.       No, we don’t mind if you nap at work, but please refrain from sending pictures of yourself napping naked to other employees. If you do it again, we will have to write you up. Read your policy manual please.

 

6.       If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. All I want to know is why he would do that?

 

7.       Extra Credit Question: Describe the universe. Give 2 examples.

 

8.       No seriously, the vomit was projectile! I have a picture!

 

9.       Are you really as stupid as your question indicates you are?

 

10.   If a chicken and a ½ lays an egg and a ½ in a day and a ½, how long will it take a centipede with a wooden leg to kick the seeds out of a dill pickle. None, because peanut butter doesn’t come in spray cans.

 

Please feel free to add your own. :)