What a Day Looks Like In My World

What am I thankful for today? I am thankful that my hot tub smelled like a hot tub today because I put new chemicals in it and not like I was soaking in some funky old wet sock. Which I had been doing for days if you must know.

What did I hate about today? That I had several random bangs that kept floating in front of my eyes and that I didn't have scissors to whack those annoying things off.

What would I change about today? I would make my Jeep some sort of time machine and warp back 20 years ago and slap myself in the face and say "WAKE UP!" If I told you what for, I would have to do away with you.

What would I leave the same about today? How much my husband loves me, although I don't know why because if he knew all my deepest darkest secrets he would probably turn me over to some psychiatrist who would then make a fortune after he wrote a book about the "3 Evils of Rachelle." The book would be so wildly popular that someone would want to make a movie about it and the psychiatrist would consent and make a fortune - which he would keep - because my family would unknowingly have signed away their rights because the psychiatrist was unscrupulous and lied about the paper they were signing. All the while I would be locked away in a sanitarium because I kept screaming, "Don't sign away our rights!" The deceitful (but wealthy) doctor would not let my family see me because of my "state of mind" and just keep ordering more shock treatments so I would forget what I was trying to tell my family while I was screaming! IF he hadn't first gone stark raving mad after I told him my secrets...either scenario could totally happen you know.

What did I wish would happen today? That some rich human passed peacefully in his/her sleep and left me 1/2 (or more) of his/her fortune or someone very close to me won the lottery and gave me most of it (because I deserve it since I am strapped to my bed in the psycho ward screaming - people feel sorry for people who scream nonsense all the time) so I could buy my own personal island where I could frolic in the sun & sand until I forgot why I was there or why I had been screaming so much. I would only invite family members because they would come and tell me how wonderful I was because I had invited them to my island. We would play games and laugh and laugh at people that didn't own their own island. Then we would eat pie.

What really did happen today? I went to work.

I know what you are thinking - Boy this person really knows how to live. It is true. Try not to be too envious.

Shampoo & Conditioner Demons

Long time no blog! I am sure no one missed a thing. But this morning something happened that made me yearn to blog. Yearn to speak my mind. Yearn to find out if anyone else thinks upon the things that run through my mind. Here it goes. 

Let’s start this new series with shampoo and conditioner. I fully believe that when the Wicked Witch of the West melted, her hair remained behind because even water could not tame that beast. When Dorothy found the leftover hair she asked the Wizard of Oz what they should do with it. He replied, "Throw it over the rainbow." They did and it landed on my head and stuck there! So, because of that series of events, I must buy shampoo AND conditioner. I don’t mind buying both, I would probably buy them both even if my hair didn’t present as a wild unkempt sasquatch – if they are real – and I have an opinion on that, but I am not feeling particularly 'squatchy' today, so we will discuss that at a later date. So, back to the shampoo conundrum. If you are like me you follow directions. Lather, rinse, repeat. You have to repeat! You have to follows the directions! This rule is NOT made to be broken. Even if you are a rebel in almost every other daily action – you have to Lather, Rinse, Repeat. It takes the dual cleansing to remove the product, dirt, grime, leftover food particles and bits of cat food out of the mop you call your hair. What choice do you have? None. BUT, now we get to the, shall we say, ridiculous part of the shampoo/conditioner world. They NEVER make a bottle of shampoo twice as big as they do the bottle of conditioner. Why is that? If you lather, rinse, repeat on shampoo why don’t you have to do the same with the conditioner? I am sure it is a law somewhere that they must run out at the same time, if only I could find which state has that law. Why is conditioner made so well that you only have to apply once but shampoo is made like an underdog and diluted to the point that it isn’t strong enough to only be used once? Shame on the manufacturers. 

Speaking of being strong enough, that segways perfectly into my second question of the morning about the aforementioned conditioner. The conditioner I have in my shower is so thick that you almost have to be Wonder Woman to squeeze even a pea size amount of conditioner out of the bottle. Wonder Woman I tell you! Yes, I have the conditioner bottle end up, so that it slides down straight to the expelling hole. But the hole is where it stops, like glue. Like a defiant child it refuses to cooperate! It is no surprise that my showers are starting to take longer and longer and cause me no end of stress. Let me show you why: 

1.    Turn on shower because at our house it takes a good day & a half to get the hot water back to the pipes that feed the shower. While waiting I do the following:

2.    Shave my chin.

3.    Weigh myself.

4.    Curse my weight.

5.    Pet a cat.

6.    Pet another cat.

7.    Throw the towel over the shower door.

8.    Read a book.

9.    Go get another cup of coffee

10. Check the weather.

11.  Change a light bulb in the living room lamp.

12.  Take a jog around the block to prepare myself for the shampoo predicament.

Finally, hot water. Ahhhhh, sweet warm water caressing my body, but then it starts. Lather, rinse, repeat. So far so good. But now to apply the conditioner. The list for applying the conditioner is almost as long as the waiting to get hot water! 

1.    Open conditioner bottle.

2.    Try to squeeze out some conditioner.

3.    Give up.

4.    Turn the water off.

5.    Get out of the shower.

6.    Dry off.

7.    Kick the kitten & dog that are lying on my Wonder Woman outfit off.

8.    Use a sticky roller to get the cat/dog hair off my suit.

9.    Get into the Wonder Woman Suit.

10. Get back into the shower to retrieve the conditioner.

11.  Squeeze the conditioner with the mighty strength of Wonder Woman.

12.  If that still doesn’t work, wrap the Lasso of Truth around the bottle and pull tight.

13.  Carefully get back out of the shower.

14.  Cautiously remove my Wonder Woman suit with one hand (because you know I have conditioner in the other hand).

15.  Turn the water back on.

16.  Wait for the hot water (see previous list for time frame)

17. Get back into the shower.

18. Apply conditioner. 

Does that sound like a nice relaxing shower? NO and I blame the shampoo and conditioner. I almost cannot even look at them anymore without complete contempt. Don’t even ask me about the 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner combos. LIES I tell you. Full and complete fabrications!!! 

I must close for now. I am frustrated just thinking about this and now I have to blow dry my hair and go to the store to get some more shampoo. Not conditioner, I have plenty of that.

 

Can I Give Up Now?

Uncle...fate is twisting my arm and I am calling uncle. As in I give in, I give up, I give off, I give out (not really). I DON'T give a flying flip, or a rat's a--, or a hairy rat's a--, or a holy hell. This quest apparently is impossible for me. It has always been impossible for me. I knew that going into this and yet I wanted to give it one last college try. I am too old for college trying.

Although, I am pleased to announce that after Summer 2013 classes, my cumulative GPA for my entire college career is 3.86. I AM smart. I always knew that, but the GPA proves it. I guess I should have gloated back when I was inducted last year in some Chi something something sorority. It is for smart people that are in the top 10% of their class at their school. I think I got in because I am as old as the professors here and they all want me to feel good about myself.

Feel good about myself?? I have been in college for 38 years. If I haven't graduated by now, a gold pin and a secret oath are not going to help me - ever. But maybe if they want to give me an honorary degree...

But I digress...

This quest...I don't want to do it anymore. So I am not. And I am not going to feel guilty about it either. I am going to languidly go through my days wishing for something I never have, hoping for something that isn't going to happen and dreaming of something I wish I had done.

Come on...I know you want to join me!!

Anything New?

It has been forever since I even though of writing something new. I am not sure it really matters anyway. I am a procrastinator. My procrastination turns into forgetfulness and then forgetfulness just turns into plain old stupidity. But I digress...

Anything new? Sure lots of things. Too much to try to update this. Taxidermy, rings, vacation and lots of things. (Yes, I meant that to rhyme)

But what made me post today is how I find it so interesting how one sentence can absolutely change the atmosphere around you. It can be a perfectly ordinary day, neither good or bad, just a glad it is 5 o'clock kind of day, when suddenly you get news that changes everything. For days to come. No matter what you do, you can't stop thinking about "it". Sometimes it is good news, sometimes not so good news. Sometimes it makes you relive the feelings from prior news that dealt with the new current news. So sometimes you just feel like a sad song...

Usually in the morning
I'm filled with sweet belonging
And everything is beautiful to see
Even when it's raining
The sound of heaven singing
Is simply joyful music to me
But sometimes I feel like a sad song
Like I'm all alone without you

So many different places
A million smiling faces
Life Is so incredible to me
Especially to be near you
And how it is to touch you
Oh, paradise was made for you and me
But sometimes I feel like a sad song
Like I'm all alone without you

I know that life goes on just perfectly
Everything is just the way that it should be
Still there are times when my heart feel like breaking
And anywhere is where I'd rather be
Oh, and in the nighttime
I know that it's the right time
To hold you close and tell you I love you so
To have someone to share with
And someone I can care with
And that is why I wanted you to know

Sometimes I feel like a sad song
Like I'm all alone without you
Without you.

John Denver

Thunder?

I am setting the scene. I am in the kitchen, my husband is in the living room. Our house is not "open concept". Aaaanddd....ACTION:

There is a loud rumble from somewhere...


Me: Was that you?

Him: Was that me what.

Me: Did you poot? (The word 'fart' is verboten in out domain. Too crass)

Him: Nooo, I thought you pooted!

Me: Nope, Well then I guess it WAS thunder. Is it supposed to rain???


So, now you know our dirty little secret. Hidden poots that reverberate like thunder. Burps are a different blog entirely...and don't even get me started about skid marks...

Friday - We Meet Again

Everyone loves Fridays. I think it is genetic. The end of the work week. The end of the stress that work piles on to you. A time to know you can relax for 2 days without someone not doing their job and shifting it to you. 2 days to sleep in. 2 days with no bosses. 2 days to not wish you were independently wealthy and didn't have to put up with the shit at work. I am especially fond of this Friday. There is food at work for a coworker who is leaving. Food at work is always a highlight. Diets fly out the window and everyone is always jolly. Yes, jolly. Jolly like I imagine a pirate meeting would be when they gather to divvy up the booty they have collected. I collected cake. Arrrgggg.

But now we move on to the rest of this Friday. A slow moving, lethargic end to a terrible, horrible, no good week. The pirates have all gotten quiet from too much feasting & drink and we begin to act like worker bees again. But on Fridays, the hive is never full and it is quiet and, well, boring so the chances of the afternoon turning into a punishment like walking the plank is slim to none.

So, out of all of this revelry and sluggishness what do I find to be happy about? Come on, you know the answer - that tomorrow is Saturday and I have a 24 hours to do everything or nothing. But it is all MY choice.

Oh and also, my girlfriend just told me she got her house. Life is good!

HSIOW

Something occurred to me in the hot tub this morning. The hot tub is my "thinking spot". Picture this - it was a dark & stormy morning - no not really. It was red outside so the thought ran through my head about "red in the morning, sailor take warning". But for now all was peaceful. The birds were just beginning to wake up and Ava was in her usual spot staring outside and I was basking in the warmth of my hot tub trying to prepare my mind for my day. "Thank you Lord for this day. Thank you for the birds singing outside. Help me be positive today, helpful and hopeful. Help me get through today because it is ONLY Wednesday." ONLY Wednesday I pondered. But then it struck me, what if I changed a word in that sentence. What if it was ALREADY Wednesday? Well, that changes everything. That denotes that instead of the week dragging, it is instead flying by. Something anyone in the workforce hopes for. Then another thought struck me. Only and already are almost always interchangeable. Every sentence I thought of while pondering this in my hot tub could be changed by simply changing those words. Amazing. How had I not thought of that before? One word changes a mindset from doom and gloom to that of positivity and optimism. Exactly what I am striving for. HAZAH! So, I am going to go through my day today and purposefully look for those times when I can change my only to already.

 

My coworker sent this to me today when I got to work. Hahaha!! Was she thinking in her hot tub too???

  

P.S. I made it approximately 30 minutes into that mid set when I encountered the lizard, the spider web, a locked gas pump and was late to work. Only – Already? What was I thinking??!!